


When They Need Each Other

by ThatWildWolf



Series: When I Need You [8]
Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (2005), Sarah Jane Adventures
Genre: Cheesy, Drama, Episode: s03e05-06 The Wedding of Sarah Jane Smith, F/M, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Love Confessions, Not Actually Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-05
Updated: 2018-07-05
Packaged: 2019-06-05 22:23:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,390
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15180641
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThatWildWolf/pseuds/ThatWildWolf
Summary: After the Doctor leaves, many things remain unsaid and many feelings buried. They don't stay so for long.I wrote this bit of fluff when I was fifteen, so forgive me if it's a bit cheesy.





	When They Need Each Other

As she watched the TARDIS fade away, Sarah fought to hold back the tears building up in her eyes.

_Don't forget me._

How could he? How could he even dare to say that? It was impossible to forget the Doctor, one does not just forget him, especially not after they've been together through so much. She hated him for putting her feelings for him into doubt. She despised him for the way he played on _her_ goodbye. She was angry at him for not staying now, when she needed him the most. She loved the kids and had no doubt they would support her through this hard time, but she needed the Doctor, just like she always had. And, to top the chaotic mess her feelings already were, she felt good about how he hadn't stayed. It helped her cling to the belief that this was all true. The Doctor comes and goes, and that's the way it is.

"You were right, Sarah Jane," one of the kids said, but she was too numb to realise who it was. "He is amazing."

"Yes, he is." She answered, putting way too much effort into not crying. She tried to smile. "And so are we."

oooOOO~OOOooo

She had sent Luke downstairs to avoid the situation in which she would have a sort of mental breakdown and he would have to be witness of it. She tried to force herself to cry, but the truth was that she was too emotionally spent for that, so she just sat there, staring ahead with a blank expression for what felt like ages, though couldn't have been more than an hour.

There were three shy knocks on the door to the attic, where she had locked herself. She supposed that she would have to face real life again eventually, so - technically - it was better to do that earlier than later.

Sarah opened the door and almost choked on the air.

"I'm sorry." The Doctor was standing in the doorway with a sad look upon his face and, for the record, looked exactly the same as he had an hour earlier. "Sarah," he protested when she tried to close the door at him.

"Sarah _Jane_." Why? Why did she even do that? She loved the way he called her. She loved _him,_ too. Then why was she angry at both now?

"Sarah, I can't-" She could hear the hesitance in his voice. Oh, wonder. The Doctor at a loss of words. "I am- I just wanna talk."

She didn't react.

"Please."

She closed her eyes and slowly exhaled. She opened the door.

"Well, there we have it. The almighty Time Lord steps down to the common people because he actually feels bad about what he's done."

"Sarah, please-" He was hurt, but she didn't care much.

"Don't call me _Sarah_." Her heart was screaming at her to stop, but her mind was set on cold, heartless revenge.

"I know that I've hurt you, I'm sorry-"

"And you just think it's all magically going to be fine just because you actually bothered yourself to come here? Is it some kind of honour?"

"I didn't mean to-"

"It's _not_ going to be fine. Did you really think that after having my heart broken again, all I needed was a _goodbye_?!" She bit her tongue as soon as she realised she said the 'again' aloud. "What exactly do you think I feel towards y-?!"

Looking at that situation from retrospect, the Doctor was pretty sure he hadn't been meaning to kiss Sarah Jane. He definitely wasn't planning on it, and he was sensible enough to know when was the right time for such things and that this was clearly not it. And yet something had pushed him to do it. Maybe it was the way she was shouting at him, with so much regret and spite, maybe it was the young body which betrayed him in the least suitable situations, or maybe the fact that he should have done it years ago. Whatever the reason, he found himself pressing his lips onto Sarah's, who, somehow, didn't actually protest against it as she gasped in surprise, and enjoying it maybe a bit too much than he should be.

He quickly pulled away, eyes widening in terror at what he had done. At the audacity of his actions.

Sarah Jane stared at him, shocked and unable to utter a word. She was trembling. He realised that he couldn't look her in the eye and felt actually relieved when she turned around. They stood in silence for what felt like ages and he knew he hadn't felt so guilty since the Time War.

"I'd like you to leave." Her voice was barely more than a whisper. "Please."

He stood in his place.

"Sarah-" He tried to sound as soft and gentle as he knew possible, but he knew that, no matter how hard he may try, it would never be enough. He had hurt her more than he would have if he hadn't come back at all. She had waited all those years for him and now that they were finally together again, what did he do? How did he treat her? It was most definitely not right. And he knew that it was ultimately and exclusively his fault. If only he could stay away. But he couldn't. That was the problem; he really couldn't. That was why her words hurt so much.

"Go _away_." He could tell she was on the edge of breaking into tears and was just restraining herself until he was away so that he wouldn't see her cry.

And that was what he did. He turned on heel and ran. Out of the room, down the stairs, through the hall. He ran into Luke, who was just leaving the bathroom at that moment.

"Doctor?" He was shocked to see him. Perhaps even more shocked to see him in that state. The Doctor couldn't see himself, but he suspected he must have looked terrible.

He didn't answer. He didn't stop. He ran out of the house and down the street, emotions boiling inside of him. The dull pain in his chest was pulsing in rhythm with his every step. _Go away_ , Sarah Jane's voice echoed in his head, the only sound louder than the blood pumping through his body which practically deafened him to the outside world. Why did it hurt so much? Why did it hurt so much?

He found the TARDIS, but was too shaken up to go inside. He just pressed his face to the cold wood of the police box. He could feel the faint pulse of life beneath his skin. It was comforting, somehow. It didn't help him ease the pain, but it was nice to know that he wasn't alone.

"Why does it hurt so much?" He whispered. At that point, he didn't care much about what was happening to him and slid down the wall of the TARDIS until he was sitting on the cold concrete of the pavement. "Why can't it just stop?"

He sat there until his breath regulated and then shakily stood up and entered the ship. The door shut behind him louder than he had suspected it would, the power of the sound magnified by the depressing silence. It seemed to just only now sink in that he had just ruined the relationship with the only one of his companions who still wanted to see him.

_They break my heart._

He had lied to Jackson that day. They had already broken both his hearts, and that was the truth of the matter.

It was really hard to go on. At times, he wanted to just stop. To end it all. But something kept him going, and it was them. Always them. He wasn't alone. He still had Martha and Mickey and... Sarah Jane.

His hearts sank. Not anymore. Because he knew she would not forgive him. He knew that they were friends and that was all they ever would be, no matter how he ever felt about it. Kissing Sarah then and there was unfair and selfish. She had spent thirty years believing he was gone. He didn't have the right to act on his feelings now, not after everything she had been through. It was just wrong.

The abrupt knocking on the door saved him from drowning in the treacherous ground of his mind.

"You've got to go back and apologise to her." Luke entered the TARDIS without even waiting for the Doctor to actually open the door. "Doctor?"

He didn't move from his spot on the floor, his fingers idly playing with the sonic screwdriver he found in his pocket. _Go away._

Luke stiffened with a frightened expression. The Doctor realised it must have been the first time anyone spoke to him telepathically. Oh, very well. Let the boy be scared. He wasn't in the mood for talking.

"It's no use sitting here moping."

The Time Lord looked up in surprise. Luke was kneeling down to him with a less afraid expression on his face.

"What can you know, Luke? You're barely two years old." He purposefully phrased it the way it would hurt the most. He wanted him to go away. He wanted to be alone.

"Mum always says I'm fifteen."

"Well, she doesn't know what she's talking about, then."

"But she does know _some_ things, doesn't she? She knows you, for instance. And if she hadn't expected you returning today, then it's not normal. Why did you come back?"

"I suppose I wanted-" The Doctor stopped. Why was he telling Luke all of this? Why was he even having this conversation? "I needed to see Sarah again."

"Okay, here we have it." Luke nodded. "And what exactly have you done instead? Because whatever it was, it left her crying for a solid half an hour."

He hadn't realised it had been so long.

"And do you know what you have to do now?" Luke's eyes were shining and the Doctor had to close his to think about the answer.

oooOOO~OOOooo

Another knock on her door.

"Luke, I told you, I don't want to talk to-" She angrily swung the door open and froze.

A bouquet of flowers. Tulips. White.

"I would have got roses, 'cos roses are good for apologies, but you never liked them, so instead I went for the next best thing. I hope you don't mind."

Sarah found it hard to as much as utter a word.

"...Doctor?"

She couldn't believe he was still there. She couldn't believe he was just talking about flowers like that; about nothing important like nothing had happened.

"I am sorry, Sarah. I know how much I must have hurt you by acting on my feelings the way I did. I shouldn't have ever done that. I know that I put you in an uncomfortable situation and I'm sorry. I really am." He must have realised how artificial and unconvincing this must have sounded because he looked down. "Just wish I could turn back time." She cracked a smile at that. "If you don't accept my feelings, that's fine. I just don't want to lose your friendship. Please. I value it more than anything."

"Well?" Luke raised an eyebrow. Sarah hadn't noticed him up until then.

"Well what?" The Doctor was perplexed, as well as a bit embarrassed that the kid had heard him say all of that.

"That's not it, is it? You haven't told her you love her yet."

"Luke!" Sarah exclaimed.

"Come on. Without me, you two would never get this far." He looked first at his mother, then at the Doctor, as if unsure who to focus on.

"...Maybe you _could_ leave us alone," the Doctor suggested gently. Luke glared at him.

"No. Because you two need to talk." He fixed his eyes on them. "Properly."

"So..." The Time Lord was, obviously, beginning to see what Luke meant.

"So go on. Say how you've been feeling all along."

"All along?" Sarah asked, surprised.

"Yes. All along..." The Doctor nervously stepped in place. "I've let emotions build up inside of me." She had been prepared for something like that, but his next words caught her by surprise and she finally understood what was going on. "I guess I was a bit down after Jo got married. I've always liked her, you know? And it hurt to see her happy with another, younger man." If he was going to tell her his life story now, then... Sarah stopped herself. Then she would listen to what he had to say before she judged him. _Hear him out_. It was the least she could do. "But then this new girl comes round, even more beautiful, and she's intelligent. Smart, resourceful and attractive - and I begin to think, not bad. Maybe things will turn out well for me. Then I got to know you." He laughed briefly. "That was when it was over for me." He said the next words slowly, as if carefully considering each one of them. "You won my heart, Sarah Jane Smith. You've had it from the very beginning." She stared at him with an expression that was hard to read, but he couldn't stop now. "I didn't realise- or didn't _want_ to realise how much you meant to me... Then I regenerated. And for a moment I was afraid I would lose you. But you didn't leave me, you never did.

"I was too caught up in myself at the time to realise what was really going on, but I knew that you couldn't see me the way I saw you and that hurt. I only took Harry along with us 'cause I knew I wouldn't bare being alone with you. It turned out it was not enough; I still wanted something I knew I couldn't have. And then all that business with Rassilon came up and I just sort of figured this was a good excuse for me to avoid hurting you more than I already have."

"You said humans weren't allowed on Gallifrey." Her face bore a look of disbelief at what he was telling her - could he really mean that?

"I lied." He looked down at his feet. "I didn't want to risk you. So I dropped you off. Aberdeen instead of London, so that I could be completely sure you would hate me. I _wanted_ you to hate me, Sarah. Just wanted to be completely sure you wouldn't go looking for me." He buried his face in his hands with a sigh. "You deserve better. You deserve so much better than me." He looked her straight in the eyes and she could see the fire within his. "I'm not a knight in shining armour. I'm not a hero. I... Look at me, I'm a _murderer._ And you..." He shook his head, breaking the eye contact. "You're just too _perfect_.

"That day in Deffrey Vale... I had been trying so hard to forget my old life, but then suddenly it all crashed me in the face. You hadn't changed at all since the day I left you, and neither did my feelings for you. Even after all those years, nothing could compare. I..." He hesitated. "When you said that you didn't want to come with me, I felt shattered, Sarah. I had no idea what went wrong, if I said something bad or did something wrong... Why you didn't want me anymore. Because I still wanted you, I- I _needed_ you with me. Still do." He sighed. "I only acted the way I did because I couldn't handle the emotions gnawing me. I'm sorry, Sarah, I truly am. I should never have placed you in such an uncomfortable position, it was wrong. I know you have every right to not forgive me now, but... I still don't want to lose you."

There was a moment of silence. The Doctor looked at Sarah with hopeful expectation, Sarah looked at the Doctor with shocked disbelief, while Luke decided that there was no danger of a death or a regeneration that day anymore and they could be left alone from then on, and silently slipped out of the room.

Sarah still regarded the Doctor unsurely.

"I'm trying to say that I love you," he explained with a baffled expression. Sarah laughed.

"I know."

"Oh." He glanced around nervously, not sure what to do in this turn of events. "Well... Oh. Then-"

She pushed aside some hair from his forehead.

"Is it... fine?" He asked unsurely.

Sarah looked into his eyes with a serious expression and apparently saw something good because she slowly smiled. He gave a short half-laugh too, like he often did in this incarnation, but she could see that he didn't really know what to do.

"It is."

He wouldn't have felt so confident if she hadn't been the fist one to lean in and kiss him. Even then, he was slightly shocked and stiffened at first, but soon relaxed and put his hands on her waist. He could feel Sarah's hands roaming through the wild mop of hair on his head all the while too and he soon realised that their height difference was still big enough that he would have to pick her up if they wanted to continue.

She slowly pulled away, though, and he stood without moving a muscle for a minute. She regarded him with an amused smile.

"Well." He ran a hand through his hair to return it to its usual state of artistic disarray. "I think that was... I mean..." He exhaled slowly, eyes wide. " _Sarah_."

"We are so stupid, Doctor." She shook her head. "Have you ever wondered how differently things might have gone between us if we'd confessed our feelings earlier?"

"Meaning...?"

Sarah opened her mouth, but didn't find the courage to speak. She took in a breath, then exhaled with a laugh. The Doctor frowned; he was surprised by that.

"I'm not so sure of my feelings," she laughed. "I never let myself think of us that way because you've always seemed to make it so clear that we're just friends and nothing more that I thought it should be obvious. But way down inside of me, I think I've been feeling differently all along. Do you know when I realised it was love? Not when you died. Not when you came back to life. Not even during any of those wonderful adventures we've had together, but once I was back home. Only when I felt that emptiness and felt that there was something oh so important missing from my life, I realised how important it had been." She stiffed a laugh. "It was... frustrating, to realise the nature of my feelings when it's too late to act on them.

"Seeing you again after all those years was like a dream came true. A dream I have long since given up on. And no, I'm not angry at you for not coming back earlier. Not anymore, at least. Because you know, the funny thing is that I can't imagine any way things could have gone better."

"You don't always see me." He looked down.

"I don't need to. You're there." She touched a hand to his cheek. "You're alive. How could I ask for more?"

"But you deserve more. I should have been there with you. Sarah, I am not a good..." He drifted off. A good what? Friend? Could he really still say that after everything that's happened in the last few minutes? No, he supposed he couldn't.

"Doctor?"

"What?" He was thankful that she saved him the trouble of finishing that sentence.

"Promise me something: leave now. I know you're rubbish at goodbyes, and, to be honest, so am I, so please... Don't make this harder than it already is."

He simply nodded and turned towards the exit. He turned back to look at her again. Even through the tears and everything, he could see the strength. It was good. No matter what happened, she would carry on. And that was good, because he didn't want to lose her.

"...I love you, Sarah Jane Smith." He made it sound as though it was something that surprised him.

She laughed ruefully.

"Tell me something I don't know."

* * *


End file.
